I confess to a sense of humour that can sometimes take a satirical turn. I also confess to a deliciously perverse delight in directing this humour at a special group of my friends who, because of their professional status, social standing and impeccable manners, simply cannot retaliate—the diplomats. But really, there is nothing to retaliate if in the end, I obey my own dictum every time I take on the role of the humorist: ‘Laugh with, rather than at each other.’

Not too long ago, I was invited to a farewell party given by the French Ambassador. Now Pierre loved a good hearty laugh, as I could tell from the convivial lunches and dinners he gave. I knew that the many jokes I had stored up, which took a good-natured dig at the fine art of diplomacy enabling the diplomat to keep his cool and charm under the most trying circumstances, could be artfully mixed in with the usual farewell tribute to a popular ambassador.

It was an informal party, exactly the setting I needed to present my tribute, cast in the form of a poem—actually a doggerel only—comprising a series of quatrains (the easiest verse form for humorous effect). Pierre and his wife, as well as the guests, had such a good laugh at the satire that it is worth sharing it with others:

To Pierre

It’s a real pleasure and honour
At this special gathering today,
To pay tribute to Pierre Buhler
The true diplomat in every way.

How then shall I go about it?
In a way the writer knows best,
Through the art of story-telling
In a spirit of fun and zest.

Once at a socialite event,
The hostess, all glitter and glam,
Coyly asked a diplomat,
‘How old do you think I am?’

The diplomat was in a fluster.
For he was incapable of guile,
So he turned to the eager lady,
And said with a bright smile,

‘For looks, I’ll take off ten years,
I’m sure I’m right on track;
To account for your wisdom, ma’am,
I’ll put those years right back!’

Pierre would have handled things better
With more tact and savoir faire,
The poor lady wouldn’t have looked puzzled
But glowed and walked on air.

There was this door-to-door salesman
Who with each visit scored a hit.
Said his friends, ‘What’s the secret?
Hard work, plain luck, pure grit?’

Said he, ‘I was a diplomat once,
In a past, former life, that is,
But I kept the old skills intact
When I was born into this.

So now as I go on my rounds,’
Said he with a pleased grin,
‘When the lady of the house appears,
I say, ‘Miss, is your mother in?’

Pierre would need no former life
To account for the virtues galore
Of the truly consummate diplomat,
The charm, the flair, and more.

Here’s something for you to imagine:
There’s a line-up at Heaven’s gate,
To see who merits which place,
As God ponders and decides each fate.

God looks hard at the diplomats,
The divine brow with frowns is knit:
‘Let me see—isn’t slyness and deceit
A big part of the diplomat’s kit?

This I’ve heard of an ambassador
Who nodded and smiled a lot,
His smile was truly disarming,
Especially when his country was not.

Another said, ‘Good doggy, good doggy,’
And offered it a hand to lick;
But all that niceness vanished
As soon as he found a stick.

Well,’ says God, ‘I’m sorry to say
You diplomats won’t have first spot;
It’s already gone to writers and poets,
Musicians, artists, the lot.

Second place goes to housewives.
For with care their lives are fraught,
Third place to firemen and postmen,
And preachers if their sermons are short.

Diplomats are about on par with
Economists and broadcasters,
Bar-tenders and bee-keepers,
Dentists and weather-forecasters.

Well, diplomats, I’m sorry to say
You haven’t scored high marks;
You’re just ahead of politicians,
Lawyers, bouncers and loan sharks.’

Just then God sees Pierre and says,
‘Hey, here’s a fine diplomat indeed;
If he wants to make a plea,
His voice I’ll certainly heed!’

Whispers Pierre to his fellows,
‘Fear not, there’s no cause for alarm;
Just watch, and I’ll prove even God
Will fall for diplomacy’s charm!’

And true enough, God is won over;
The diplomats are thrilled for sure,
‘Roll out the champagne,’ they say,
‘For our heavenly status is secure!

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About Vignettes...

A continuing flow of little, readable pieces that will constitute what I feel is an important 'legacy of values' to leave behind. Read more about Vignettes...