It is interesting to note that in many international surveys on what men and women most look for in their prospective partners, a sense of humour frequently ranks among the top three. So while men and women disagree as to the relative importance of looks and moral character (men are all unabashedly for the first, women the second), both sexes agree that a sense of humour contributes greatly towards the strength of a marriage or partnership. This trait is usually manifested in the verbal ability to dispense jokes and witticisms that bring about spontaneous laughter and pleasure.

The dispenser of jokes must make sure, of course, that they are the right kind, so that the laughter is not mixed with embarrassment or unease. Jokes of the coarse, earthy Rabelaisian kind based largely on the subject of private bodily functions, for instance, cause some people to laugh uproariously and others to blush and look down (‘Did you hear that one about the farmer who went into the outhouse one dark night.. ?’ ‘Did you hear that one about the old codger who took a whole bottle of Viagra.. ?’); those that are savagely satirical create nervous laughter, and those on sensitive topics such as race and religion create offence. (On principle, I reject outright jokes about the Holocaust, and about handicapped people) Gallows humour can touch raw nerves and cause the very opposite of what humour is supposed to do, creating tension instead of its release (However, I understand that in war-torn Afghanistan, humour of this biting kind is being used in a TV program to relieve tension)

The desired kind of humour, then, avoids all these, and is indeed a finely developed sense that entertains without disparaging, teases without offending, holds up the mirror to human flaws without being judgemental. The possessor of this kind of humour also possesses a whole range of other desirable social qualities—ease in company, self-confidence, an appropriate sense of timing, an appropriate sense of occasion and above all, an agile mind matched by an agile use of language that sometimes allows him or her to share jokes about so-called sensitive subjects, without hurting any sensitivity. It is a special gift, its rarity made obvious when the majority of us confess, ‘I love jokes, but I don’t know how to tell them properly. I wish I could tell jokes with punch and oomph!’

But a sense of humour must be more than all that, to rank so highly for both sexes in their search for the ideal partner with whom they will share their lives. Indeed, it is more than just a socially attractive trait, since it usually includes the ability to laugh at oneself, the readiness to poke fun at one’s own follies and foibles. From a person’s self-deprecatory humour, one can easily extrapolate a whole range of qualities that will make for a harmonious, happy relationship: a maturity, a sense of realism, a relaxed attitude (which immediately precludes those qualities such as hypersensitivity, fastidiousness and querulousness that can make a partner so annoying), a tendency not to take oneself too seriously (which immediately precludes those qualities of arrogance, self-centredness and pomposity that can make a partner downright insufferable).

‘Why did you marry him? I once asked a friend whose husband is her exact opposite in personality and temperament, she being precise, orderly and business-like, and he being totally laid-back, disorganized and absent-minded.

‘He makes me laugh,’ she replied.

‘Tell us the secret of your marriage,’ said the journalist interviewing the nonagenarian couple who were celebrating their seventieth wedding anniversary.

‘Well,’ said the wife. ‘I suppose it’s because everytime I get annoyed with my husband, he makes me laugh, and it’s all over.’

‘Well,’ said the journalist to the husband. ‘I hope I’ll be around to interview you for your wedding anniversary next year.’

‘I don’t see why you shouldn’t be around,’ said the little old man brightly. ‘You look young enough to me.’

‘See what I mean?’ said his wife.

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About Vignettes...

A continuing flow of little, readable pieces that will constitute what I feel is an important 'legacy of values' to leave behind. Read more about Vignettes...