Man strays, woman stays,
Man quests, woman nests,
Man roams, woman homes.

This neat little poem captures a truth that is part of conventional wisdom: the astonishing difference between the sexes when it comes to sexual propensities and practices. So while the male has the urge to venture outside the societal boundaries of love, marriage and commitment, the female, by contrast, has the urge to keep her domestic role within these confines. In other words, man cheats, woman doesn’t.

Obviously this is a simplistic generalization of a very complex situation, but the truth remains that man is the major player in the cheating game. While society condemns the adulterer and exacts a price for his wrongdoing, the recent trend of high-profile husbands—Bill Clinton, John Edwards, David Letterman, Tiger Woods—cheating and getting away with it in the sense of continuing to maintain their high positions after the obligatory public apology and expression of remorse, has been pointed out by sociologists as a very disturbing one. For it could remove the social and moral stigma of adultery, and encourage thousands of potential cheaters. Worse, because of the prestige of its exponents, it could even be seen as a badge of macho chic and high achievement.

Many are the reasons that have been put forward for this straying proclivity, reasons only too familiar to the sociologist and the marriage counselor—an uncaring wife who has no time or inclination to show her husband the love he craves and the understanding, by contrast, shown by the other woman; the loneliness of being away from home for a long period; the sheer delight of discovering the sensation of falling in love all over again. The ecstasy of a secret affair while it lasts, is matched only by the guilt and shame when it ends, which it often inevitably does, after only a short period( I once read somewhere that the average lifespan of an affair is eighteen months)

Whenever I try to understand human behaviour, I often try to do so in the widest possible context of universal behaviour, that is, behaviour independent of the specifics of culture, geography or history, thus going right back to our natural origins as human beings. I find this an instructive and perhaps even necessary process to reach true understanding of what we as human beings on the face of this planet are like, of the instincts and urges which have driven us from our early beginnings, and which we share with animals. And clearly the sexual instinct among male animals is the most powerful of all, even more so than food or territory; indeed monogamy in animal society is the exception rather than the rule.

So does this mean that those extra-marital escapades of the male, since they are only natural, are pardonable?

A few important points have to be made here:

1. Firstly, explanation is by no means the same as exculpation. Explaining why men commit adultery does not mean letting them off the hook! It is simply laying the objective groundwork prior to taking a stand on the issue
2. Any reasonable and principled stand on the issue will have to take into account, not only the instinctual part of man that explains much of his behaviour, but also the learned part from his culture that should guide it. Culture is ultimately what distinguishes us from animals. All cultures teach the sanctity of a commitment with its reciprocities of duty and responsibility, which often means the need to suppress one’s unruly instincts. All cultures through their laws, rules, norms and taboos punish those who violate this sanctity. Indeed, so deeply ingrained is this cultural influence that it has become part of private conscience, causing the violator to feel deep guilt about his wrong-doing and to want do something about it, even when nobody sees it. Many cheating husbands have ended their affairs voluntarily, without their wives ever finding out.
3. Because the natural instincts and drives of human beings play a part in the cheating game, it means that they must also affect women’s behaviour, as well. Hence, the cheating game is as much a game for one sex as for the other. If men are mainly the offenders, it is because today’s society allows them more opportunities than women. This situation will probably continue to prevail for a while, even in the most advanced societies. But women are fast catching up. With their higher education, better job opportunities, greater financial independence, and higher expectations, modern women could well become even more adept players in the cheating game.

The earlier point made about explanation of a behaviour trait being no exoneration of it bears repeating here. It simply means that to begin to solve a social problem, one must first adopt a realistic and dispassionate approach, which means seeing the problem in its complete context of both natural and cultural influences so that we are not immediately led to typecast it as a specific gender problem (‘All men are like that!’) or even as a racial one (‘You want to marry a Caucasian? They all cheat on their spouses!’)

The straying man—and woman—will always be part of the anthropological landscape, and we may as well ask the ultimate why, that is, go right back to the roots of human nature itself, and then see how the effect of culture, particularly of education and consensual moral values, can be brought to bear upon the problem.

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About Vignettes...

A continuing flow of little, readable pieces that will constitute what I feel is an important 'legacy of values' to leave behind. Read more about Vignettes...